||[Dec. 28th, 2010|02:23 am]
And so, this journal reaches the end of another year, safe and sound. I used to have a tradition (as so many LJers and DWers have) of marking the end of the year with a nice big recap post of everything that's happened during the year. I seem to have a slightly different tradition, looking back on my previous years - I seem to have a different kind of end-of-year post every year, which I guess is kind of fitting - The last few years have left me acutely aware of the changing nature of my life, how everything seem to shift so radically from year to year, and so it seems that every year, I need something different to mark the ending of the years. Last year, for example, I decided to make a change and focus on the directions for the next year - look forwards instead of look back.
This year, though, I really do think I need to look back. There's been a lot of stuff that's happened this year and I can't say that I've really gone and given myself full closure on a lot of it. With such an obvious ending looming in sight, I thought I'd take the opportunity to take stock of those things that have ended for me in this year, to bring it into the light and take the chance to accept these endings before the year clocks over once more.
This year, first of all,marked the ending of my goal of going back to university to continue my studies. Earlier this year I came to the realisation that I was constantly looking at every job I had as just a placeholder - something to run with until I paid off my debts so I could go back to uni. Which would have been fine - except that the goal kept getting further and further away, because I never seemed to be paying my debts off, and this kept making me more and more miserable. This year, I realised what a price this misery was holding on me, and so I stopped waiting, and decided to put my all into the place I had now, the job I had now.
This year, I ended my tenancy with the wonderful people of Clive St and moved in with erinkyan. It's meant a few sacrifices, but I have a wonderful home, with a wonderful couch, it's an ending with a wonderful new beginning.
And then, there are the endings with no beginnings to follow. This year I lost my Uncle Michael, most likely due his body giving out. He was an inspiration in a lot of ways to me, and I miss him dearly. Since then, I've acquired a few things of his - I ended up with his graduation robes, and some of his other university paraphernalia. I still miss him sometimes, there's occaisionally a bit of sadness, but I think my feelings have reached that place of acceptance. Missed, but not grieved over any longer.
He was not the only one to fall this year - A good friend of mine, Steve, also died this year, tragically by his own hand. Since his death I've been trying to accept that death, but of course it's been hard, so hard. In a lot of ways, it's Steve that's been bringing me to this post, a couple of things in the last few days have got me back to thinking about Steve again, and there's clearly still a lot of emotion floating around. I want to bring it up, to think about it again, feel that hurt, confusion, sadness, grief, properly and willingly, so I can leave his ending with the ending of the new year.
Because they're all still there. I still miss him so much, and it hurts to know that I'll never have another conversation with him in person. I still don't think I understand why he did it, but I think I've come to the conclusion that maybe there's not much there to get - or perhaps, that the reason just isn't that important. As much as I want to know, knowing doesn't bring him back. When I think about him I still sometimes break into tears, I've broken into tears a few times writing this post in fact. I guess in a lot of ways I haven't been able to take that feeling of closure from the rituals I've been engaging in, and I know he doesn't have a grave I can visit to go talk to him (although really, you don't have to be at a grave to talk to the dead - you just need to find a way to make the connection). I wish I could find that last end, put it all to rest, but I'm not sure this Ending is going to be that neat.
And so, I open up the post to the floor - please, if you will, if you can spare, join me in taking the endings we've had this year, share them, and maybe we can leave these endings to rest this year, so we can better accept and love the beginnings that will surely sprout next year.
This was originally posted at http://kirby1024.dreamwidth.org/133318.html